Tool room humour

[Ian Johnson 1Participant @ianjohnson1]

This gave me laugh, while sorting out a box of cutting tools I came across these two HSS ground bits.

One has been ground perfect to 32 degrees zero minutes, and the other to 36 degrees ‘we hope’.

Nicely etched in by hand.  No idea who made them, when they were made or what they were used for! But they had a bit of banter between the tool room and shop floor.

IanJ

[Nigel Graham 2Participant @nigelgraham2]

I like it!

I have, or had, a pair of odd-leg, or “Jenny” calipers that may have been made as an apprentice exercise. The two legs, of flat strip steel, are engraved with…. fish-net stockings enhanced by the edge-hook and scriber-holder being fashioned as high-heeled “kinky” boots.

I also had something really weird. A twist-drill of perhaps 4mm diameter, whose helix reversed from right to left hand half-way along its length. It looked as-manufactured, not someone’s idea of a joke by modifying a standard drill, and I though I know there are LH helix drills for special purposes, I haven’t the foggiest why a hermaphrodite one would be made!

[Nigel Graham 2]

On Nigel Graham 2 Said:

…
I also had something really weird. A twist-drill of perhaps 4mm diameter, whose helix reversed from right to left hand half-way along its length. It looked as-manufactured, not someone’s idea of a joke by modifying a standard drill, and I though I know there are LH helix drills for special purposes, I haven’t the foggiest why a hermaphrodite one would be made!

Just a guess, but specials made to speed up mass-production weren’t unusual.   They allow two jobs to be done with one operation, avoiding a time-wasting tool-change.

Maybe this example drilled through a body into a cavity and then carried on drilling on the other side.  The reversed helix would keep swarf produced by drilling the second hole from climbing the drill into the first hole and jambing it.  Swarf from the first drilling is ejected normally at the top, but swarf from the second drilling is kept in the cavity.

Dave

[VicParticipant @vic]

Good one Ian! 😆

[PlasmaParticipant @plasma]

This is not one for the faint hearted, or for young people to read. It came from an American doctor who dealt with the injury.

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he “needed a doctor who took care of men’s troubles.” The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We x-rayed the patient’s scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn’t leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.

[Plasma]

On Plasma Said:

This is not one for the faint hearted, or for young people to read. It came from an American doctor who dealt with the injury.

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he “needed a doctor who took care of men’s troubles.” The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We x-rayed the patient’s scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn’t leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.

Does not pay to close your eyes then ?

[PlasmaParticipant @plasma]

No.it doesn’t! I’m guessing this was not a shop in which guards were a big thing.

But then as a risk Assessor I don’t think you would be criticised for not considering the possibility of an operator dangling his family jewels on the drive belt.

I did once deal with a guy who had lifted a 12 ton drop hammer to change the dies. Didn’t prop it or turn the motor off. Standing under it the thing came down and killed him. I don’t think the poor lad knew what hit him.

[JuddyParticipant @juddy]

An old one

Dead horse

The lakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like “This is the way we always have ridden this horse.”
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today’s environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that “This horse is not dead.”
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that “No horse is too dead to beat.”
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is “better, faster and cheaper” dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position

[PlasmaParticipant @plasma]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>That’s brilliant Juddy, I’ve never seen that one, although I have to admit I’ve experienced it in the previous job I did.</p>

[Harry WilkesParticipant @harrywilkes58467]

During my steel works years I was working on a 500 V DC crane whilst doing some testing on the hoist electrical panel the driver decided to take a leak being to lazy to go down to the toilet he took a leak on top of the crane aiming up the side of vented metal box containing banks of resistance there was a large ‘flash’ and a scream which I went to see what had happened only to find the driver standing bent over with his burnt ‘member’ in his hand, I called out the works ambulance which was driven by the works police who could not contain their laughter in turn took him to the medical centre the duty nurse examined him again with a grin on her face and directed the police to take him to the local hospital. I never saw the guy again and was told he been dismissed due t him having been reported on a previous occasion for the same offence.

H

[Anonymous]

punctuation

[not done it yetParticipant @notdoneityet]

Peter, nothing actually wrong with the punctuation.  Not a bit to correct!🙂🙂🙂

Ooh, sorry, there were two bits but those were correct.  The capital ltter at the start and full stop at the end.🙂  There wad also one comma, which I missed initially.  That should have been a full stop.

[duncan webster 1Participant @duncanwebster1]

It’s a bit naff to criticise punctuation on a forum like this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see it as “naff” in the same way that criticising someone’s spelling or grammar (or indeed minor punctuation errors) is usually held to be. To me it’s simply that someone can’t be bothered, essentially omits punctuation altogether and leaves it to the reader to do the work. (The general wording suggests that the poster is not illiterate).

I should have known (and if I’m honest, I did) that I’d trip over the “holier-than thou” mentality that’s another feature of a “forum like this”.

[Peter Greene]

On Peter Greene Said:

punctuation

Punctuation.

Peter’s joke is excellent.  Pretends to self-appoint himself as a Punctuation Policeman and rubs in the irony with two mistakes in a post of one word!

🙂

Dave

The forum welcomes everyone – there’s no need to be good at spelling, grammar or puntuation.

 

[Kiwi BlokeParticipant @kiwibloke62605]

‘The forum welcomes everyone – there’s no need to be good at spelling, grammar or puntuation.’   …as you demonstrate, with admirable irony!  😉

We can surely all happily tolerate errors in postings here, without feeling the need to bitch about it, and provided the message is worth reading, but I find it hard to tolerate the poor standards that litter so many publications, which seem to be pushed out with little or no proof-reading.

 

[JasonBModerator @jasonb]

I’ve posted this a few times and I’ll post it again. Sometimes it is not a case of the poster simply not bothering.

If I could just bring this to the attention of ALL members.

As we grow, we have or will have members that are not too good at spelling etc.

This can be for a variety of reasons, education, medical or even dyslexia, which I slightly suffer from, and rely heavily on my spell checker.

This is no ones fault, if everyone was the same, what state would the world be in.

Members who have these afflictions usually have to work at least twice as hard as everyone else to make up a post, and even then, it can sometimes be almost unreadable. But at least they try, which a few ‘normal’ people won’t even do.

So please, before we dive down peoples throats over these issues, spare a thought about the person who has composed it. Either he/she couldn’t or can’t make it any clearer or better, or has made a genuine mistake.

[PlasmaParticipant @plasma]

Jason.

Absolutely spot on. Some people gained an excellent education and have a grasp if the written word far in advance of many of we mere mortals. Some simply have a natural ability with words (I’m an example of that, comprehensive school, no university, but pretty nifty with English through reading a lot).

Some struggle with writing, as you mentioned, dyslexia and other neurodivergent Issues are no fun for people and not down to laziness etc.

Add in the AI written content on many sites and the written word is becoming less precise than ever. The BBC often contains words that are wrong but have been stuck in by an algorithm typing out the spoken word.

Finish that off with me having fingers like cows teats and the odd typo is bound to creep in.

Given that the human brain can extract meaning from even the worst written passages, it’s perhaps no longer necessary to have our input corrected on sites like these.

I don’t mind a poorly written letter from a friend, we can all excuse that. Now if it was a poorly written letter from a doctor, or barrister then we would be right to complain.
<p style=”text-align: center;”></p>

[Andrew CrowParticipant @andrewcrow91475]

Well said Jason, people need to remember this is a hobby most of us are all involved in and we are just trying to help each other out, please have some patience.

Andy.

[Nicholas FarrParticipant @nicholasfarr14254]

Hi, I’m no mastermind in reading or writing, and probably use some words in the wrong place, I always used to be useless with spelling when I was in school, but I did improve when I was at college on day release, but still find that I spell simple words wrongly sometimes. One will tend not to notice many spelling mistakes, if they contain all the correct letters, but not quite in the correct places. I do find though, that although spelling mistakes can be tolerated, very poor punctuation makes it difficult for me to read, and I tend to loose the plot, and I have to go back over what I’ve read to understand it. There are not that many posts that I make that are free from mistakes, but I do read through what I nave posted after hitting the submit button, then correct them and reread the post again, and I sometimes find I have to reread and make corrections a few times, but the odd one still seems to get through. I do think that some posters don’t bother to reread their posts, once they have submitted them, and to my mine, some of the mistakes are obviously incorrect, but I live with it, as non of us are infallible.

Regards Nick.

 

[Ian Johnson 1Participant @ianjohnson1]

Well!!!  From a light hearted bit of tool room banter to stories of people having their balls and dicks blown off, then the grammar police get involved!

No wonder I don’t bother posting much these days!

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

[Ian Johnson 1]

On Ian Johnson 1 Said:

Well!!!  From a light hearted bit of tool room banter to stories of people having their balls and dicks blown off, then the grammar police get involved!

 

No wonder I don’t bother posting much these days!

 

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

All life is here.

Can I, in the spirit of trying to be helpful, suggest that writers try to incorporate paragraphs into their text – it makes it far more readable and doesn’t require advanced knowledge of grammar (and none of spelling).

For example, in the quote above, Ian has put “No wonder I don’t bother posting much these days!” in a new paragraph since it doesn’t directly follow the line of thought in the first paragraph, though it is related to it and still belongs in the same post.

I’m not sure about the smileys though.

Anyway, that’s enough from PC Grammar-Nazi, I’m off to make a mess of cutting some metal.

[Ian Johnson 1Participant @ianjohnson1]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Okay I sea what you mean 🙄</p>

[Harry WilkesParticipant @harrywilkes58467]

I could add more tool room humour to this thread but with Headmaster Green marking one’s work I’ll not bother.

H

[Harry Wilkes]

On Harry Wilkes Said:

……………… I never saw the guy again and was told he been dismissed due t him having been reported on a previous occasion for the same offence.

H

I find it hilarious that he did it twice! 😮

Rob

[Author]

Posts