Christmas Cracker Jokes

[BazyleParticipant @bazyle]

Well it should be Santa Claus anyway shouldn't it but nowadays we are too lazy and want to shorten everything (except Youtube videos involving drilling 200 identical holes).
But then we can't do jokes like What is Santa's cat called? Santa Paws of course, and his dog is Santa Claws.

Edited By Bazyle on 27/12/2022 14:02:01

[Clive IndiaParticipant @cliveindia]

Posted by vic newey on 27/12/2022 12:36:58:

I wonder why generations of children saying 'Father Christmas' has now been substituted for Santa just about everywhere these days?

I don't think they care what he's called as long as he delivers the goods – if he is still a he that is!
I got a Christmas card full of rice in the post today – I think it was from my Uncle Ben

[vintage engineerParticipant @vintageengineer]

What has four wheels and flies?

A dust cart!

[Nigel Graham 2Participant @nigelgraham2]

Not a cracker joke as such but a good Christmas Party riddle, from our Grandad and which I remembered to my sister to try on her grand-children…. You may of course insert your own numbers, or for older children perhaps, list the passengers by men and women; but state each stage clearly, with some gravitas and pause for your victims to think. Then ask the last sentence quickly and promptly after the word 'Good!' .

" You need listen very carefully. Imagine you are driving the Number 12 bus. At the first stop, 8 passengers board. Second stop, 4 more plus a dog. Third stop, 2 alight, 6 board. Next, 8 off, 3 on. Fifth stop; the couple with the dog alight and 3 people board. Sixth; 2 alight, one boards with 2 dogs. Seventh; None alight, 4 board. Next, 5 alight, 2 board. Next stop, the dog-owner alights (with dogs!). Ninth; 3 off, 2 on. Tenth; 4 alight, 4 board…. Got that? Good! Right, what's the driver's name? "

''''

Vic –

He was originally Saint Nicholas, wore green and was a Dutch tradition taken across the Atlantic by settlers. Subsequently, in its ineffable way, American commerce crushed any sense of tradition to turn him into their supermarket "Santa Claus" ; a name now devoid of any sanctity, and disowned by the Church.

[Michael GilliganParticipant @michaelgilligan61133]

Posted by Nigel Graham 2 on 28/12/2022 23:35:37:

[…]

He was originally Saint Nicholas, wore green and was a Dutch tradition taken across the Atlantic by settlers. Subsequently, in its ineffable way, American commerce crushed any sense of tradition to turn him into their supermarket "Santa Claus" ; a name now devoid of any sanctity, and disowned by the Church.

.

Exquisitely put, Nigel

… am I right in thinking it was Coca-Cola ‘wot dun it’ ?

MichaelG.

[NealebParticipant @nealeb]

Seems more likely that Coca-Cola adopted the existing image partly because it was already in the corporate colours. This link seems to sum up the history.

[Michael GilliganParticipant @michaelgilligan61133]

Thanks for lubricating my rusty memory, Neal

MichaelG.

[Nick Clarke 3Participant @nickclarke3]

Wasn't St Nicolas the spelling? – That is how it is spelt by my local church – They told me it was the original Turkish spelling – while Nicholas (my name, but only ever used in full when my mother was cross) is the anglicised version?

[Nick WheelerParticipant @nickwheeler]

Posted by Nigel Graham 2 on 28/12/2022 23:35:37:

Not a cracker joke as such but a good Christmas Party riddle, from our Grandad and which I remembered to my sister to try on her grand-children…. You may of course insert your own numbers, or for older children perhaps, list the passengers by men and women; but state each stage clearly, with some gravitas and pause for your victims to think. Then ask the last sentence quickly and promptly after the word 'Good!' .

" You need listen very carefully. Imagine you are driving the Number 12 bus. At the first stop, 8 passengers board. Second stop, 4 more plus a dog. Third stop, 2 alight, 6 board. Next, 8 off, 3 on. Fifth stop; the couple with the dog alight and 3 people board. Sixth; 2 alight, one boards with 2 dogs. Seventh; None alight, 4 board. Next, 5 alight, 2 board. Next stop, the dog-owner alights (with dogs!). Ninth; 3 off, 2 on. Tenth; 4 alight, 4 board…. Got that? Good! Right, what's the driver's name? "

The version I heard, and use, finishes with " finally, all the passengers get off when the bus reaches the depot. What is the driver's name?" Which annoys people so much they can't answer the question…

[SillyOldDufferModerator @sillyoldduffer]

Posted by Nigel Graham 2 on 28/12/2022 23:35:37:

…

Vic –

He was originally Saint Nicholas, wore green and was a Dutch tradition taken across the Atlantic by settlers. Subsequently, in its ineffable way, American commerce crushed any sense of tradition to turn him into their supermarket "Santa Claus" ; a name now devoid of any sanctity, and disowned by the Church.

More realistically:

• Father Christmas is British, a symbol of adult carousing at Christmas, not an actual person. Wine, women and song, not presents for kiddies.
• Santa Claus is European, based on the story of a Greek bishop who lived in modern Turkey, who gave presents. He was later beatified as Saint Nicolas by the Roman Catholic church. His bones, or maybe those of an unknown Turk, were collected and displayed in medieval Italy along with many other saintly relics. The system was widely abused as a way of making the church rich, and was one of the causes of the Protestant Reformation.
• Santa Claus starts as a Dutch variant of the generous christmas giver. He came to the UK via the US, In the 19th century, but he was pushed by social forces in both countries who favoured family-centred celebrations over drunken riots.
• Although Father Christmas and Santa Claus are two different personalities, they had merged in the UK by about 1880, and were heavily commercialised thereafter, including in many non-christian countries. Neither recognised in respectable theology, they're equally fake.

Vic's view that today's children are dumping Father Christmas in favour of Santa Claus isn't true in my family. Admittedly the sample is too small to be conclusive, but a quick check through my Christmas card collection shows the two names are equally common.

Nice to blame Americans for a name change that may not have happened, but probably unjust. They're guilty of pretty much everything else though!

Christmas isn't even the original religious festival being celebrated at this time of year. No coincidence that Christmas aligns with the Winter solstice – the longest night of the year – after which the gods end winter, bringing spring and summer. It's a symbol of rebirth.

For many years it was assumed that Stonehenge was aligned to identify midsummer, which it does. More recently acknowledged it's purpose may have been to identify the winter solstice, which is more important in many religious calendars than midsummer. Stonehenge was built long before Christianity existed, yet the dates align.

Elder statesmen developing the notion that the world is going to pot is as old as time itself. For some reason we get the idea that everything before our time was ignorant and primitive and that our successors are messing everything up. Only in our generation was everything perfect!

Not so I'm afraid. Human development has to be continuous because circumstances change. The world I was born into has gone. We should learn from the past, not try to preserve it. Future generations have to do better than us – if they can.

Dave

[noel shelleyParticipant @noelshelley55608]

In the Dutch speeking world Sintaclaus is on the 5/6 of December, but of recent years there has been much discusion about his coloured helper Swarte Piet and how he should be portrayed. Noel.

[HowiParticipant @howi]

Look! all you Bah! Humbugs, Santa is real, ask any 4 to 8 year old.

I was recently cajoled into playing Santa at a Christmas fair at the school two of my grandchildren attend.

I was surprised at how many older children wanted to see Santa. You only have to talk to the children to see the magic is still there.

Having done my stint at Santa, I handed my costume back only to be told I would need it again on the last day of school before Christmas, to hand out books to all the children in school. Aaah! panic!

I had to go round each class do the Santa bit and hand out the books to every child.

I must admit, the whole experience nearly brought tears to my eyes, the children were wonderful, well behaved and polite. They ALL wanted hugs from Santa (High 5's from some) and they were reluctant to let me go onto the other classes.

It certainly made my Christmas

[roy entwistleParticipant @royentwistle24699]

I could do with Christmas if they stopped trying to bring religion into it

Roy

[vic neweyParticipant @vicnewey60017]

I remember going to see Father Christmas in the early 1950's, In Birmingham store Lewis's they used to also have 'Uncle Holly' to help him hand out the presents, anyone remember him?

[duncan webster 1Participant @duncanwebster1]

I have a white beard, so as Xmas approaches I let it get a bit longer. I often see little ones telling their mothers that they've seen Santa. I've been known to tell them that I'm just checking that they are not being naughty. Bah humbug is for grown ups.

[Clive IndiaParticipant @cliveindia]

Posted by duncan webster on 29/12/2022 15:56:08:

I have a white beard, so as Xmas approaches I let it get a bit longer. I often see little ones telling their mothers that they've seen Santa. I've been known to tell them that I'm just checking that they are not being naughty. Bah humbug is for grown ups.

Nice one Duncan – the Americans have the Fraternal Order of Real Bearded Santas (FORBS) Here

In Milton keynes we have this

There could be money in this?

Edited By Clive India on 31/12/2022 09:25:19

[Martin KyteParticipant @martinkyte99762]

I have observed a definite acquisition of an understanding of quantum superposition in children with ages ranging from around 7 to 10. They seem able to hold the notion that Father Christmas is, at the same time, both real and their dad. This duel state seems to be maintained by a fear that not doing so would collapse the probability field and consequently presents would not appear. As they get older they often make more observations of the quantum present generating wavefront and in this way Christmas becomes a classical mechanics system. (And probably loses something of its mystery and magic)

regards Martin

[Nick Clarke 3Participant @nickclarke3]

Posted by Martin Kyte on 31/12/2022 10:10:05:

I have observed a definite acquisition of an understanding of quantum superposition in children with ages ranging from around 7 to 10. They seem able to hold the notion that Father Christmas is, at the same time, both real and their dad. This duel state seems to be maintained by a fear that not doing so would collapse the probability field and consequently presents would not appear. As they get older they often make more observations of the quantum present generating wavefront and in this way Christmas becomes a classical mechanics system. (And probably loses something of its mystery and magic)

regards Martin

About 20 years ago we took our two girls, probably then 4 & 5 on the Santa Special at the Severn Valley Railway. The weather was atrocious, pouring with rain, and we were grateful for the tent that had three sections, each with its own Santa.

Neither girl said anything about this multi Santa situation and I couldn't hear any comments from other children either, but it puzzles me to this day!

[Martin KyteParticipant @martinkyte99762]

As I say, quantum Santa. Exists everywhere simultaneously.

[vic neweyParticipant @vicnewey60017]

A Christmas cracker joke thread with practically no actual jokes in it!

Here is my poor attempt

Our Turkey came from a local pop group which then packed up, it was the only one with drumsticks

What do heating bills and wrapping paper have in common? ( both are being ripped off)

How did king Charles III sign his Christmas cards this year? ( the artist formerly known as Prince)

The Government have had to scrap their version of the nativity, they can't find 3 wise men

[Author]

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