Answering Machine Messages

[Anonymous]

Just going through some really old emails and came across this which I thought could stand another go around.

Anyone know any others?

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll

leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're

finished.

 

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why

we're not here. So, leave a message.

 

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent

the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my

financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

 

4. Hi. Now YOU say something.

 

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you

can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

 

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

 

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave

a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

 

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his

refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to

myself with one of these magnets.

 

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving

messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

 

10 This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,

your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning

your call.

 

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.

Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

 

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right

now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

 

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our

weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we

probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

 

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

 

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the

phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real

slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

[Anonymous]

[martin perman 1Participant @martinperman1]

Very good

[Bill PhinnParticipant @billphinn90025]

Only number 5 would induce me to want to actually leave a message.

[Former MemberParticipant @formermember12892]

[This posting has been removed]

[Martin KyteParticipant @martinkyte99762]

As a nod to the internet of things I like:-

"I'm sorry the Answer Phone is unavailable at the moment, this is the Toaster"

;O)

Martin

[bernard towersParticipant @bernardtowers37738]

Peter. 15 pieces of magic which one shall I choose?

[Rob McSweeneyParticipant @robmcsweeney81205]

Before I discovered that you can phone customer services and have the answerphone disabled, mine was – " I do not use this answerphone, please try again later, or contact me by text, email or post."

[Richard MillingtonParticipant @richardmillington63972]

Many years ago we used to have:

"Are we in or are we out, if you don't leave a message you'll never find out"

Now we just have the std:

"This is and answering machine"

[Danny M2ZParticipant @dannym2z]

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes to my life. Please lave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

[Peter MolyneuxParticipant @petermolyneux97867]

Your message is very important to us…Yeah Right!

[peter smith 5Participant @petersmith5]

Trying to buy a lathe 40 odd years ago via exchange and mart – compulsory reading in those days, I rang the London number to be greeted by a rather posh voice – it was Chelsea – and the message was a very apologetic

“ I am so sorry that I am not here to answer your call, but if you leave your name and number I promise you faithfully that I will get back to just as soon as I can”.

if you want my good lady wife …..the f******old cows owt” in a broad cockney accent . Had to ring twice as wife did not believe me.

[CirclipParticipant @circlip]

My machine answered with the reply "Hello" and a three or four second delay to allow t'other end to start rabbiting. After this pause, the recording then stated "Stop, you are speaking to a machine" followed by the usual name rank serial number telephone number drivel.

Regards Ian.

[HopperParticipant @hopper]

Posted by Peter Molyneux on 23/02/2022 16:44:24:

Your message is very important to us…Yeah Right!

Yeah, "We value your call". But not enough to hire someone to answer it.

[Author]

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